Secretly Desolate

Today was a crazy day for me. Emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I had a two hour class and all I thought about how bad I feel as a single mother...

Where does the guilt come from...

easy. ..out of all my relationships, the last one seemed to b the worst. I mean I was not a victim of violence. .he wasn't a thug or gang member. .as far as I know he didn't have a criminal record. I mean at first the relationship was good. I thought that he was a pretty nice guy.

But shortly after I found out I was pregnant that's when the cheating occurred. I would find text messages, facebook messages, and  witnessed phone call conversations. When confronted, then subsequently I became the one who's tripping, or the one invading privacy!! Can you believe that!

Well to make a long story short... I broke the relationship off. I would not be made a fool. I would even say, you don't have to be with me just because I'm pregnant...and his response was, we can work it out!

So I tried several times,  despite the fact that my family disliked him, because of the way he treated me. And the same results.  Some could call me insane for that: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So we're no longer together. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on Sept. 13th. He has only seen his son maybe 4 times in two months.. Not because he cant but because he chooses not to. Despite his lack of effort I constantly receive text messages saying the following:

I see I was right when I said that you keep trying to keep my son away from me

...Like WTF! I would have never imagined to have so much drama. Women this is so important what I'm about to type next....PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH WHOM U HAVE S.E.X WITH....

I honestly was the person who wanted to wait until marriage to have kids. All my boyfriends were very respectable young men, who LOVED women (not saying they were cheaters but that they truly respected women, and knew how to treat all the women in their life). So where did this one come from and how did it so happen that he became the father of my child.... I HAVE NO FUCKIN IDEA!

I look back and things happened so fast, I don't know if I was in denial or not, but I would have never imagined to be in this position.

So now as a single mother, I fight everyday to become the best I can be for my son. But what happens when my son grows up and realizes that the father figure is absent? What happens when/if he begins to blame himself for his father not being there? How as a single mother do you raise a boy to be a man, when as a women its impossible to do so entirely?

All these things weighed deep on my heart and today it hit me hard!